You Need To Stop Reacting To Your Feelings | Dr. Aliza Pressman

The Importance of Emotional Regulation and Co-Regulation

Dr. Pressman highlights emotional regulation as a foundational skill for both children and adults. She clarifies that regulation is not about suppressing emotions or avoiding being disregulated but about managing emotions purposefully once they arise. The ability to move from a state of emotional dysregulation to regulation is essential for handling life's inevitable frustrations and setbacks. This process begins early in life through co-regulation, where a child's developing nervous system is supported and "lent" the stability of an adult's more mature nervous system. Because children's prefrontal cortexes are still maturing, they rely heavily on caregivers to help them navigate intense emotions. The quality of this co-regulation profoundly influences a child's capacity for self-regulation later on.

Dr. Pressman stresses that co-regulation is a constant, dynamic process. Parents must be mindful of the nervous system they are lending to their children—whether calm and steady or reactive and dysregulated—as children absorb and mirror these emotional cues. She also points out that emotions themselves are not inherently "good" or "bad," and that protecting children from negative feelings is neither realistic nor beneficial. Instead, parents should help children experience and regulate these emotions safely, teaching them that feelings are temporary and manageable.

Self-Awareness as the Foundation of Regulation

A key step in self-regulation is developing self-awareness—recognizing when emotions are rising and understanding bodily signals that accompany dysregulation. Dr. Pressman uses the metaphor of an alarm system to illustrate this: just as an alarm signals a potential threat, our bodies signal emotional distress, and self-regulation involves "entering the passcode" to deactivate false alarms. This awareness allows individuals to pause, reflect, and choose responses rather than react impulsively.

She acknowledges the challenges parents face in finding time and space for reflection amid the busyness and exhaustion of daily life. To address this, Dr. Pressman advocates for "micro-meditations" or brief moments of intentional stillness and reflection, such as taking a few mindful steps or pausing to look at the stars. These small rituals can help parents reset their nervous systems and model regulation for their children.

The Role of Repair in Parenting

Dr. Pressman introduces the concept of repair as a vital part of healthy relationships and emotional development. Repair involves acknowledging mistakes, reconnecting after ruptures, and modeling accountability and empathy. Unlike older generations where apologies from parents were rare, contemporary parenting benefits from embracing repair as a way to teach children that imperfection is human and relationships can recover from conflict.

She shares personal experiences illustrating how repair can quickly restore connection even after intense emotional moments. Repair is not always verbal; it can be a gesture, laughter, or simply moving closer to reconnect. This process helps children internalize that mistakes do not define relationships and that emotional growth involves ongoing effort and reflection.

Navigating Children's Emotional Experiences

Dr. Pressman discusses the importance of naming and validating children's feelings while guiding them toward realistic appraisals of situations. Children often struggle to differentiate between reasonable and unreasonable emotional responses, and parents play a crucial role in helping them interpret events accurately. For example, when plans change unexpectedly, children may feel betrayed or accuse parents of lying. Instead of dismissing these feelings, parents can acknowledge the disappointment and frustration while clarifying the reality of circumstances beyond anyone's control.

This approach fosters emotional literacy and resilience by teaching children to tolerate uncertainty and disappointment without escalating into harmful behaviors. It also prevents the development of rigid narratives of victimhood or blame, which can undermine emotional regulation and social functioning.

Resilience: Building Strength Through Stress

A significant portion of the conversation focuses on resilience and how it develops through exposure to manageable stressors. Dr. Pressman explains that resilience is not about avoiding adversity but about learning to navigate it with support. She distinguishes between toxic stress, which overwhelms and harms, and tolerable or positive stress, which challenges individuals and promotes growth.

She cautions against overprotecting children from all difficulties, noting that everyday frustrations—like forgetting a backpack or not being invited to a party—are essential "positive stressors" that build resilience muscles. The presence of a supportive adult who models regulation and offers connection can transform potentially toxic stress into tolerable stress, enabling children to develop coping skills.

Dr. Pressman also touches on individual differences in sensitivity and temperament, referencing the "orchid and dandelion" metaphor. Some children (orchids) are more sensitive and require more support to thrive, while others (dandelions) are more resilient with minimal intervention. Recognizing these differences helps parents tailor their approaches and avoid judgment or unrealistic expectations.

Parenting as a Journey of Growth

Throughout the discussion, Dr. Pressman emphasizes that parenting is a shared journey of growth for both parents and children. Parents are not expected to be perfect regulators but to engage in ongoing self-reflection, repair, and modeling of emotional skills. She encourages parents to prioritize their own well-being—whether through exercise, date nights, or brief moments of mindfulness—without guilt, as self-care is essential for effective parenting.

She also challenges the martyrdom narrative often associated with parenting, advocating instead for a balanced approach where parents care for themselves to better care for their children. This modeling teaches children the importance of self-regulation and boundaries.

Raising Good Humans: The Ultimate Goal

Dr. Pressman reframes parenting as the task of raising adults, not perpetually dependent children. The goal is to nurture functional, self-regulated, compassionate individuals capable of handling adversity, regulating emotions, and contributing positively to society. She stresses that success is not measured by achievements or accolades but by the ability to navigate life's challenges with resilience and kindness.

She warns against imposing rigid expectations or tying love to accomplishments, which can undermine children's sense of security and resilience. Instead, unconditional love and acceptance provide the foundation for children to grow into their authentic selves.