The Gift of Death: How Facing Mortality Teaches Us to Live Fully | Alua Arthur

Understanding the Role of a Death Doula

Alua begins by explaining what it means to be a death doula—a non-medical, holistic support figure for dying individuals and their loved ones. Unlike hospice nurses or doctors, death doulas provide emotional, spiritual, practical, and sometimes legal guidance throughout the dying process. Importantly, this support extends not only to those who are actively dying but also to healthy individuals who seek to become death conscious—those who engage with the awareness of their mortality to better prepare for life and death. Alua notes that about half her clients fall into each category, emphasizing that death consciousness is not about imminent death alone but about living with death in mind.

The Societal Taboo of Death

One of the central themes Alua articulates is how modern society avoids making space for death-related conversations. While many people privately harbor fears or curiosity about death, these topics remain sidelined, leaving the dying and their families feeling isolated and unsupported. Alua's experience with her brother-in-law's death made the gaps in healthcare and emotional support painfully evident. She recounts the frustration of not having clear communication from medical professionals about his prognosis, the lack of preparation for his death, and the absence of someone to navigate the emotional and practical challenges with the family. This profound helplessness fuels much of her mission to bring compassionate, clear, and present support to the dying and their circles.

Mortality as a Guide to Life

Alua passionately speaks about how confronting death shifts our perspective on living. She invites listeners to meet the version of themselves on their deathbed—the elderly self who has lived fully, embraced their authentic self, grieved and laughed openly, and experienced life deeply. This imagined future self helps guide present-day actions and decisions to avoid regrets that commonly arise at life's end. For Alua, most regrets center around inauthentic living—spending time on things that did not truly matter or failing to nurture important relationships—not on careers or material achievements.

This framing offers death as a powerful teacher: it contextualizes our fears and choices, challenges us to ask, "What must I do now?" and ignites a desire to live meaningfully and authentically. Alua remarks that all fears ultimately trace back to the fear of death, yet exploring that fear more deeply reveals vital truths about identity, presence, and priorities.

Personal Journey into Death Doulaing

Alua shares her path from practicing law in domestic violence and benefits work, a role that felt noble yet unfulfilling, through a clinical depression and a transformative encounter on a bus in Cuba with a fellow traveler facing uterine cancer. Their open, intimate conversation about death cracked open a door of curiosity and compassion for Alua, showing her the profound connection possible when death and mortality are spoken about honestly. Following this, being present with her brother-in-law Peter St. John during his final months further exposed the failures of support systems and inspired her decision to become a death doula to serve others in this vital space.

Death as a Catalyst for Presence and Authenticity

Throughout the interview, Alua returns to the idea that death brings immediacy and presence. She explains how considering the end—through imagining the deathbed self or engaging in death meditations—invites people to examine their values, relationships, and life choices. The "must do" things, she says, vary individually but often include completing meaningful work and deepening essential bonds. Recognizing what remains undone and addressing those areas helps people approach death with wholeness and grace.

Alua also expresses a unique love for grief, viewing it not merely as suffering but as an opportunity to "crack open," redefine one's beliefs, and rebuild life anew. She stresses that grief is complex and multifaceted—sometimes painful, sometimes angering, sometimes releasing—but ultimately an essential process for connection and transformation.

Supporting the Dying and Their Loved Ones

Alua highlights the importance of caregivers and loved ones cultivating their own relationship with death to better support those who are dying. She emphasizes presence and listening without projecting personal fears or rushing the process, encouraging people to allow grief and emotions to unfold authentically. When it comes to practical preparations, Alua advises having clear healthcare directives, wills, and plans for how one wishes their body and life to be treated after death. These external arrangements alleviate confusion and conflict later and honor personal values.

Regarding conversations with family, Alua encourages openness but acknowledges that willingness varies. She recommends inviting dialogue by reflecting on recent deaths or family experiences and gently asking values-based questions. Family gatherings, while tricky, can be moments for these important talks if approached with care.

What Comes After

As someone who has been present for dozens of deaths, Alua describes dying as a gradual dimming of consciousness with shrinking energy, physical changes in the body, and moments of stillness. She portrays death less as a disappearance and more as an expansion or "filling out" beyond the physical body, describing this final transition as simultaneously mysterious and beautiful.

Alua shares a poetic working theory she calls the "glitter wave": at death, the depth of human experience—joy, fear, love, loss, all senses and emotions—rises up and explodes into the cosmos as confetti, some of which clings to those touched in life while the rest melds into an eternal glittering wave connecting all that ever was and will be. While deliberately playful and metaphorical, this vision honors the enduring impact of a human life and the mystery that follows.

She candidly admits she does not have definitive answers about consciousness after death and chooses to hold space for others' beliefs without imposing her own. Observing people near death and hearing near-death experiences has convinced her there is something beyond, often described as light, warmth, and peace, but she stays open and acknowledges the limits of human understanding.

Integrating Spiritual Practices

Alua's practices in Vipassana meditation, experiences at Burning Man, and exploration of entheogens have sharpened her ability to hold space between stimulus and response—creating choices in how to show up for herself and others. This awareness enhances her compassion and presence with those facing death, enabling healing in moments that traditionally might not be acknowledged as such.

Her spiritual inquiry aligns with an embrace of mystery and the acceptance that life and death are intertwined, complex, and ultimately unknowable in full. This humble surrender to "I don't know" becomes a wellspring for awe, wonder, and connection rather than fear.

The Value of Legacy

Reframing the concept of legacy beyond material accomplishments or rote productivity, Alua sees legacy as the essence of how one shows up, behaves, and impacts relationships. This subtle yet powerful shift directs attention to authenticity and presence as the true measures of a well-lived life.

She touches on the existential question of "Why life?" with humility, suggesting that perhaps life's vast mystery and the experience of separation itself serve the universe in gaining infinite perspectives through each unique expression—be it human, beetle, or tree—and that authenticity is the personal answer each of us can explore.