How To Find Love, Keep Love & Become Love | Jillian Turecki

The Importance of Self-Love

Turecki begins by asserting that the relationship we have with ourselves is the most crucial one we will ever have. She challenges the common misconception that finding "the one" will automatically lead to a fulfilling relationship. Instead, she emphasizes that individuals often project their expectations onto their partners, mistakenly believing that another person is responsible for their happiness. This mindset can lead to disappointment and frustration in relationships.

There are two prevailing schools of thought regarding self-love: one suggests that individuals must fully love themselves before entering a relationship, while the other posits that self-love can be cultivated within a relationship. Turecki finds value in a middle ground, suggesting that while self-love is essential, it is also possible to learn and grow in love while in a partnership. The key is to feel safe and secure in the relationship, allowing for personal growth and mutual support.

Personal Journey and Turning Points

Turecki shares a pivotal moment in her life that shaped her understanding of love and relationships. On June 2, 2014, she experienced an early miscarriage, followed by her husband’s abrupt decision to leave her. This traumatic event coincided with her mother’s terminal illness, marking a significant turning point in Turecki's life. She describes this period as a "rebirth," where she was thrust onto a new path, forcing her to confront her beliefs about love, loss, and self-worth.

Reflecting on this experience, Turecki emphasizes that while such abrupt changes can be traumatic, they often lead to profound personal growth. She encourages listeners to ask themselves empowering questions during difficult times, such as "What could this mean?" and "What do I truly want?" These inquiries can help individuals navigate their emotions and find clarity in their desires.

The Nature of Relationships

As the conversation progresses, Turecki discusses the dynamics of romantic relationships, highlighting the importance of understanding one's own needs and desires. She notes that many people enter relationships with unrealistic expectations, often seeking fulfillment and happiness from their partners rather than cultivating it within themselves. This reliance on external validation can lead to unhealthy dynamics and dissatisfaction.

Turecki emphasizes the need for individuals to recognize their own worth and to understand that fulfillment is an inside job. She encourages listeners to engage in self-reflection and to explore what truly brings them joy and meaning in life. By doing so, individuals can approach relationships from a place of wholeness rather than neediness.

The Role of Communication and Trust

Communication is a recurring theme in Turecki's insights. She stresses the importance of being able to express one's needs and feelings openly within a relationship. Both partners must be willing to engage in difficult conversations and to confront their own projections and insecurities. Turecki believes that trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, and it is built through consistent, honest communication.

Turecki also addresses the common tendency for individuals to project their past experiences onto their current relationships. She acknowledges that many people carry unresolved issues from their childhood, which can manifest as distrust or fear in adult partnerships. By recognizing these patterns and working to heal them, individuals can create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

The Illusion of the Perfect Partner

Throughout the discussion, Turecki challenges the notion of the "perfect partner." She argues that the idea of a soulmate who will complete us is a dangerous romanticization that can lead to disappointment. Instead, she advocates for a more realistic understanding of love, one that acknowledges the complexities and challenges inherent in any long-term relationship.

Turecki encourages listeners to focus on the qualities that truly matter in a partner, such as kindness, integrity, and the ability to communicate effectively. She believes that a successful relationship is built on mutual respect, shared values, and a willingness to grow together. The greatest love, she asserts, is one where both partners feel safe and supported.

Navigating Gender Dynamics

The conversation also touches on the current gender dynamics in relationships. Turecki observes that there is a growing divide between men and women, often fueled by societal narratives that pit the genders against each other. She emphasizes the importance of understanding and compassion in bridging this gap. Men, she notes, often need reassurance and to feel valued, while women require presence and emotional support.

Turecki encourages both men and women to cultivate empathy and to recognize the unique challenges each gender faces. By fostering open communication and understanding, couples can create a more harmonious and supportive partnership.

Making Peace with the Past

Towards the end of the episode, Turecki discusses the significance of making peace with one's parents. She believes that unresolved issues from childhood can profoundly impact adult relationships. By reframing these experiences and understanding them through an adult lens, individuals can free themselves from the burdens of the past.

Turecki emphasizes that forgiveness is not always necessary; rather, acceptance and understanding can lead to healing. She encourages listeners to explore their own narratives and to recognize how their upbringing shapes their current relationships.